This time is often dubbed “The most wonderful time of the year” but for some, it is the bluest or the lowest. People always talks about seasonal depression or the ‘winter blues’ and I just thought it was a like that people said when they were feeling a little down but seasonal depression AKA Seasonal affective disorder, is a type of depression recognised by the NHS. Even rare cases, people with “SAD many have symptoms during the summer and feel better during the winter”. Talking about this seems very relevant as the theme of this years UK Disability History Month is:
· Disability and Hidden Impairments
· Disability, Sex and Relationships
Hidden impairments classify as any form of disease that does not carry any physical characteristic or changes the body in anyway, for example, ADHD, Dementia, Diabetes, Dyspraxia and Depression. I think given this year’s topics and I find it easy to relate to them, it just feels appropriate to write about it. It is scary to attach labels to your conditions because then you can become afraid that people will behave or look at you differently, and especially within more intimate relationships. I know that I have previously done a post about Dating and Mental Illnesses but that was less personable, more instructional. I want to reassure with this one, so many people are gaslighted by their partners because it is easy to put all the blame on someone’s mental illness rather than admit that you are in the wrong, but you should not accept that.
I have so many issues when it comes to dating. I am a person who feels a lot; when I’m hurt, I think I will never recover from it and when someone makes me feel happy and light, I will give them my everything. In hindsight, this is probably why I get let down by the men I date. Just because I give everything does not mean they are going to reciprocate. I struggle to trust people, not just romantically but I worry with letting people into my life and sharing my life with them and then one day use my issues and personal history against me. I have had it before, but my experiences should not be used as a get out of jail free card. Or they will simply use my issues as a reason to walk away.
The biggest struggle I have found, is when I start dating, they meet the person I am without the depression: loud, bubbly, upbeat. They fall in love with that person but that’s not all I am. Then when my dark days come along, they say they don’t recognise who I am or that I’ve changed. I haven’t changed, this version of me is the complete version but I am not going to show someone the darkest and deepest parts of myself in the first week because what happens when they leave. It is another person who has taken a chunk of my heart and soul with them. My mental health is always something I have trapped them with, they believe that they cannot get out once they start dating me. What about me though? I am still stuck with this condition which is made even worse when someone just gives up on me because they do not like the thought of one day having to deal with it, even if they have not had a single hint of it yet. Off their own backs, they will just decide that I am ‘too much’ for them.
However, because I feel so much, of course, I am going to appear to be too much. Why should I tone down my personality to be more digestible for somebody else? But now I have this innate fear of the word ‘too’. “You’re too hyper… too forward… too loud… too demanding”. Anything else, you can be too much of, I’ve probably been called. For a three-letter word, it holds a lot of fear and power that can be used against me to hurt me. I have been called too demanding by men who were so distant and cut off emotionally, that asking for them to not be on their phone was too much attention for them to give me. I have been too controlling for asking them to message me when they get home safe from a night out. This links in with my disability because I get severely anxious when entering new relationships, after so many years of being told that I am too much of everything that is undesirable in a partner, the feeling has not left me.
My brain is a little more sensitive and sometimes needs to be handle with care and caution. If I am having a blue day, men do not want to come near me because they do not ‘know how to help me’, therefore, there is no point in them coming. What they really mean is, you are no good to me when you are not up for having fun and sexy times so there is no reason to come see you. Even if they do come and you say that you are not in the mood, they still try and convince you otherwise.
I am not ashamed on my struggles with depression and anxiety, so why make me feel ashamed by not loving the parts of me, that are not perfect. I have no faith that men do not want to date something that could have a negative impact on their life. I recently dated someone (let’s call him, Sam) who got upset because I was hurt that he cancelled plans on me repeatedly. Whilst to some that seems super irrational, to me, I have put that in my diary and planned other things around it. Other times, it takes me a lot to hype myself up for plans so if I get cancelled on then I have all this energy and nowhere to go with it so I simply breakdown because I just get overwhelmed.
Sam cancelled once because he was too hungover; he got drunk knowing that he was planning on seeing me the next day. Put in effort, show commitment, (Sam then cheated on me so you can see where his commitment for me was). I always say, “I do not have the brain capacity to keep weighing up how much YOU want me in your head when I am trying to figure out whats best for me at the same time. I am not a dispensable person”. Respect is all I ask for and with respect comes understanding. Saying “I understand” means nothing to me, show me that you get it: show up on time, tell me that you enjoy my company and be present when I am talking to you. I am not asking for the world but it’s the small things that bring me comfort.
When it comes to sex, oh lord, that is a whole different ballgame. I am very sex positive and believe sex is one of the greater pleasures in life. However, when I was 17, I was sexually assaulted, and sometimes small things trigger me and I find it hard to simply say no. I don’t want to incite any form of anger but when I discuss it after, I still feel like I’m being blamed for not being honest or that I’m a nuisance for having another problem they have to deal with. I do things that does not make me feel good or I enjoy in order to appease my partner. They often get offended like I am accusing them of doing the same thing or come scared to touch me in case I panic again. All I require is open communication and a safe space to share with them with, but men are so scared of women discussing sexual assault, especially the aftereffects. Most men have had sexual encounters with survivors of sexual assault so should be more sensitive and ask along the way if certain aspects are okay because some girls, like me, just find it hard to say no and feel like they cannot. It is basic rules of consent.
Moral of the story, if I feel respected by you, then I will give you the very best of me and I will always be the love and support that you need. In the meantime, if you feel like you do not have everything figured because I definitely do not, then here is some advice.
Work on yourself first, learn to love yourself so you value your mental wellbeing above those who you one day make you feel less than because you have issues. Then you can see so much clearly the lack of purpose they bring to your life and when they are gone, that is another layer of clarity brought to your foggy brain.
Do not be afraid of saying no, I heard a quote from Elizabeth Olsen in an interview where she said, ‘no is a full sentence’. You don’t need to explain yourself for creating boundaries to protect your mental wellbeing. It is okay to be alone sometimes, don’t overfill your social life to avoid it but find nice things to do in the quiet of your personal space. Those were big life changers for me.
Comments