I always knew that this was going to be a topic that I was going to discuss but due to the recent death of Sarah Everard, this topic has come to the forefront. Every woman I know has a story and I feel like its important to share so here we go.
There have been a couple of nights out where I have had men pursue me even when I have rejected their drunken advances. One man tried to lift up my skirt and pull my top down to look at my tattoos; another constantly kept trying to grind against me on the dancefloor, eventually I pushed him because I got so tired of being polite to him.
There is a huge problem within society where no matter how much we think we are progressing we are still teaching the wrong people about assault prevention. Women are told that they are the ones who need to prevent an attack from happening. If it does happen, all this targeted disinformation can make women blame themselves for being assaulted. We are taught that male attention is flattering even if it comes from people who we don’t want it from. We are conditioned by society to be submissive and make ourselves attractive to men and be the perfect image of toxic femininity. Toxic femininity is described as “women expressing stereotypically ‘feminine’ traits such as passivity… patience, tenderness and receptivity… [which] result in individuals ignoring their mental or physical needs to sustain” [1] the men around them.
I talk about myself as a feminist who refuses to perform for the male gaze and yet, I still have this innate fear of not meeting the expectations of men and society in general. If I take a lingerie photo that makes me feel empowered, it can't be posted on social media because what happens if I am perceived in a way that is deemed unacceptable. Owning our sensuality is something that is not encouraged as it makes us ‘targets’ and it often represented as an automatic welcoming of unwanted attention. If a man comments how great I look or DMs me saying he wants to f*** me, then I would probably get met with comments like “well what did you expect?”. I just wanted to own my body after years of feeling like it wasn’t mine, that’s all and I find it empowering when other girls do it so why not empower myself? I say all this but I am still scared to actually push the ‘post’ button.
In response to women's outcry for men to self-reflect on attitudes around consent, the #notallmen has been trending. The main rumour spread using this hashtag is that as a result of women's protests, the government imposing a 6pm curfew on all men. I think it’s hilarious how every man who posts using this hashtag has gotten so wound up about a piece of legislation that would never get passed. The thought of this curfew outrages men more than the fact that majority of their sisters, friends, wives, and girlfriends are being harassed, assaulted, and already have a self-imposed curfew. There is an unspoken rule for women, trans people and in fact, any queer person that has been passed on through generations: don’t be alone outside past 10pm. A curfew being imposed on men is outrageous but the fact that women have that rule for themselves is acceptable. Where is the logic?
I don’t believe in the hashtag but I know that it is not all men, I don’t need a hashtag and a bunch of misogynistic men with no understanding to tell me that. In fact, any true feminist would never say that it is all men, but people love a fight and always focus on those who don’t represent the majority. No woman has said that it is the fault of all men but once it has happened to you, no matter how wonderful a man is, the fear is still there.
People have also been saying, “well men get sexually assaulted too”. By saying this, it makes it seem that women don’t care about men who are victims of the same crimes. I understand that male sexual assault is an issue but at the moment, women’s safety is a bigger concern. In March 2020, 22.9% of women in the UK have been victims of sexual assault (including attempted) in comparison to 4.4% of men; the gap between the two is drastically different, therefore, making it more of a women's issue. When looking at male sexual assault, women can commit these crimes as well, however 85.6% (March 2020) perpetrators who commit sexual offenses against men are men. Perpetuating that men are still the common problem, no matter the gender of the survivor.
Is it impossible for men to see past their own egos and realise that this is their problem more than it is ours? If they don’t all want to be generalised and labelled as predators, then they need to help educate and call out their friends when they see concerning behaviour. I’ve seen some people claim that grouping men with rapists is damaging to mental health and that makes me mad. When we discuss male suicide rates which are largely increasing, no one ever turns around and goes, “yes but women kill themselves too”. We understand that these issues happen, and we support them rather than trying to make men feel guilty for struggling mentally which is what men are doing now with #notallmen. It is appalling to me to use a serious issue like men’s mental health to belittle another serious issue like female sexual assault. Mental health and sexual assault are both important to me and to see people trying to get people to pick one cause to support is abhorrent. Why is everything a competition?
Women are angry and mad. Of course, it is going to look like we are lashing out because we are tired. Please stop making us have to justify our hurt and frustration when it is not necessary. It is damaging to relive our trauma, just to simply try to get you to understand when it shouldn’t need more explanation.
[1] Psychology Today. Toxic Femininity. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sex-sexuality-and-romance/201908/toxic-femininity
[2] Office of National Statistics. An Overview of Sexual Offending in England and Wales.