Saw this girl on TikTok say instead of saying bi-curious, we should start using this phrase and I cannot stop now. Well, I tried before I bi’ed and here I am.
I participated in an interview for a dissertation talking my sexuality as a bisexual woman and how it affects my level of intimacy within relationships. It has made me reflect on my journey to coming out as bisexual and how it effects they way I see myself and my relationships.
I always felt like there was some part of me that was not fully complete. No matter how fulfilled I was a person, it did not feel like I was fully myself yet. Something just felt off. In relationships, I feel like some part of me knew that they were always going to end because something felt incomplete in them. After my most recent breakup, I felt so lost and like I did not know where I was going next, so I just fell back onto the one thing I knew best: falling into the nearest arms available. While I still did not know what I want, I just thought that the best thing to do was to date the most perfect examples of hegemonic (toxic) masculinity. None of them lasted long and some were super intense, just because I thought that dating was going to make me feel better, but something was still wrong. When I started dating a girl for the first time, my whole attitude to my life and confidence completely changed. I realised that if I am happy and comfortable enough in myself then I will bring someone into my life who will never make me doubt myself, regardless of their gender.
Since realising my sexuality, I feel like a lot within my life has changed. Everything about my personality feels more settled. The type of connection I want from people and my type in men has changed. Instead of wanting to date men imaginable who are obsessed with the gym, a quick fling or have no connection to their inner emotions, I need more of a connection otherwise being with them just makes you feel empty. I always used to think that seeing women who I thought were gorgeous, smart and funny meant I just wanted to be like them, but I realise there is difference between wanting to be like someone and wanting to be with them.
Bisexuality is probably now the most stigmatized group within the LGBTQ+ community, a lot of people within this group often have identity issues as some feel like they are caught between LGBTQ+ and straight communities.
There is criticism about how bisexuality is not as inclusive as pansexuality. However, bisexuality is an umbrella term for many differing variations of sexualities to include multiple gender identities. I saw a good explanation (again on TikTok), that bisexuality does not mean I am attracted to men or women, but people who are of the same gender to me and people who are a different gender to me. The term, pansexual, does not feel like the right term for me so I prefer to use bisexual but at the same time, I would rather use no label at all. In my opinion, in trying to create a more inclusive society, we have created more labels to ensure that everyone feels included. Personally, I find labels to be more decisive than inclusive. I do not like having my sexuality labelled at all because it always brings a sense of self-justification. I feel like I need to have an answer ready for any question that someone might ask me based on my orientation. My favourite term to use is queer, it just feels inclusive for everyone in the LGBTQ+ community and does not specify which orientation you are but you still feel like a part of a community.
Within straight communities, it is referred to as a “phase”, while you pick one gender or the other but that is not the case. I am not going to pick a gender and then stick to it, sexuality is fluid. I am currently in a relationship with a cis, straight man but I still am attracted to women as well. Straight people are straight in and out of relationships, same with people who are gay, lesbian or even polyamorous. It is accepted that in relationships you are those things and then when you come out of them, you still identity as that.
I am a bisexual woman, but I feel like when I get into a hetero relationship with a cis man, I have to present myself differently to justify my sexuality which feels wrong. When I am in a happy, healthy relationship, being attracted to other men or women is not something I am focused on. I’m more focused on maintaining my healthy relationship with my person.
My friend said this to me about her bisexuality:
“Personally, I think that it just means loving someone for who they are in the inside, physical appearance/genders doesn’t really matter. Like when I’ve been attracted to girls, it’s been about the way I’ve felt around them and the atmosphere and comfortableness to be myself and same with boys. If the connection is there, then I’m willing to look into it more. Being bi doesn’t really define me though, I just see it as normal to be attracted to both genders and to appreciate what each person has to offer”.
This is the perfect summary not of what just bisexuality means but you can apply it to any form of love despite the sexual orientation. I love my sexuality and I love who it makes me. This is the month for everyone within the LGBTQ+ to really shine and fly their colours, so fly your flag whatever it may look like.
Bisexual Women Support
(this was given to me by Vanessa Igoe when I did my interview for her dissertation, I'm passing it on so full credit for finding these resources goes to her).
Find your nearest local bisexual group: https://www.thisisbiscuit.co.uk/5175-2/ https://bicommunitynews.co.uk/local-groups/
Bisexual Resources
The 10 Best Films With Bisexual Leads, Ranked https://www.advocate.com/film/2018/9/29/10-best-films-bisexual-leadsranked#media-gallery-media-9
4 Books About Bisexuality That Made Me Feel Seen https://bookriot.com/booksabout-bisexuality/
10 bi+ YouTubers to binge watch https://www.glaad.org/blog/10-bi-youtubers-bingewatch-during-biweek
13 Historical Figures Who Are Bisexual Icons https://www.sbs.com.au/topics/pride/agenda/article/2017/09/19/13-historical-figureswho-are-bisexual-icons
Social and mental wellbeing
LGBT Switchboard – Switchboard is an LGBT+ helpline – a place for calm words when you need them most. They’re here to help you with whatever you want to talk about. Nothing is off limits and conversations are 100% confidential. Call 0300 330 0630 (10am-10pm daily).
RU-COMING-OUT (rucomingout.com) - Real life coming out stories.
Meetup - We are what we do – allows people to search for relevant groups in their area. You can also set up your own.
Welcome - FFLAG - supports friends and family members of LGBT people.
Home | Maytree - provides support for people who are feeling suicidal and provides a 4-day or 5-day stay. Call 020 7263 7070 for more details and to be assessed. Email address: maytree@maytree.org.uk. The site is in London and they are hoping to open another house in Manchester in 2020.
Home | Papyrus UK | Suicide Prevention Charity (papyrus-uk.org) - the national charity for prevention of young suicide. They run HOPELineUK which is a National Confidential Helpline. Phone: 0800 068 41 41 / Text: 0778 620 9697 / email: pat@papyrus.org.uk (Mon-Fri 10am-10pm / Weekends & Bank Holidays 2-10pm)
General useful support and advice
Equality Advisory and Support Service (equalityadvisoryservice.com) - advises and assists individuals on issues relating to equality and human rights across England, Scotland and Wales. Phone number 0808 800 0082
Citizens Advice - provides free, confidential, impartial and independent advice on a broad range of subjects, including debt, benefits, housing, legal matters, employment, immigration and consumer issues. You can find details of local CAs on their website.
Violence and abuse
Galop – The LGBT+ anti-violence charity – If you’ve experienced hate crime, sexual violence or domestic abuse, GALOP is there for you. They also support lesbian, gay, bi, trans and queer people who have had problems with the police or have questions about the criminal justice system.