New Year, New Me. We are 17 days in, and I wonder how many times everyone has heard or said this. In fact, you are probably sick of those words already. The pressure they put on your brain is ridiculous. Because my birthday is 17 days after new year, I always use it as a target date to get all my shit together. I always load all this pressure on myself to pick up new healthy activities and get into a whole new habit and it is impossible. If I get to my birthday, and I don’t feel like a whole new woman then I just give up and continue all my unhealthy habits.
But it is stupid that I expect it to be like a magical moment or like in The Sims when they blow out the candles and they get surrounded in sparkles and just magically age like 10 years and be ready for the adult world. Every year when that does not happen, I get weirdly disappointed like, Where’s my sparkly moment? Am I an adult?
Everyone expects to feel different but when you wake up the next day and you’re the same, you just feel lost, like you do not know where to start next? The main thing I have learnt as I have started growing into an adult is that growth and development is a slow process, but that magical moment will one day happen when you wake up and just think “oh wow, this feels different”. A couple of days ago, I woke up and felt like I was ready to put more effort into living my life so the only goals I am making for 23 is to start making more memories, saying yes and hopefully that combination of goals will help me fall in love with my life a little bit more every day.
This is the first birthday in years, I have actually looked forward to. I feel secure in my circle of people around me, I have learnt the value of friendships over romantic connections, I still crave and seek male validation and until I grow out of that, nurturing the beautiful friendships I am developing is my priority. The main thing I am taking forward that if I do not like an aspect of my life, I am not going to actively do things to change it but just give myself time to grow out of it or think of it the opposite way, growing into the person I need to be.
I have a pair of jeans that were too big on my thighs a couple of years ago but now they fit my thighs perfectly, obviously that’s because I gained a little weight since being at university. Now, in my head, I could spiral and focus on the fact I have gained weight, but the jeans were not fulfilling their purpose. Before they were ill-fitting and now, they make my bum look great so despite the fact, there are still moments of doubt and insecurity, I am still feeling more fulfilled. I've filled out the jeans. Now apply the analogy to mental growth, I could panic about the changes that I am going through, and I still feel insecure about my biggest fear of being too much but then I realise that I should not run away from the aspects of my personality that people find intimidating. If it is too much for them, they are the wrong people for me and will slow my growth down. No point trying to change myself, just to give in to the insecurities.
Don’t be afraid to lean into the parts of yourself that start to change and feel unfamiliar. Florence Given said in her book, Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, my personal bible:
“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there”
Try not to think of something as comforting but instead think of it as safe. My safe place, my safe person, my safe food. Something safe is something when you go to when you are happy, sad, or angry where every emotion is validated. Comfort is only something you need when you aren’t feeling fulfilled emotionally so we shouldn’t strive to create things we love things of comfort because one day, we might see those things as a reminder of a person you used to be instead of being something that helped you become a more whole version of yourself.
Instead of looking at birthdays as targets, see them as benchmarks. So, for me, 22 I thought I was starting to know everything. Christ, was I wrong? But I am not going to punish myself for not being as knowledgeable as I thought I was. If I meet a romantic partner and I find myself regressing into behaviour that I was doing at 18, then they must go. If I meet people who make me feel as angry as I did at 20, again gotta go. If I feel as lonely as I did at 22, then reach out to someone. Every year is a learning curve and aging up a year should always be seen as an accomplishment and if you don’t like celebrating you or the thought of aging another year, think of it as one more step breaking out.
Fly, my pretties, fly.